


Fuck you, Pitaya Dragon Cookie

by PrincePurple



Category: Cookie Run (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Minor Violence, No plot whatsoever, Swearing, don’t take this seriously, just take it I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28288065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincePurple/pseuds/PrincePurple
Summary: I’m going to kill that stupid dragon fuck.Hehe funny crackfic based off of playful banter go brrrrr anyways I actually love pitaya I just needed to write some silly violence to satiate my desires
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Fuck you, Pitaya Dragon Cookie

**Author's Note:**

> hehehe weee i crave a little violence

“FUCK!” The timegod exclaimed, slamming their hands down onto the desk, scattering papers everywhere, the echoes of their desperate cry reverberating across the empty office. Numerous little trinkets that adorned their desk rattled out of place, including a bottle of ink that unfortunately fell down, shattering into thousands of tiny pieces and spilling its murky contents over the once pristine checkered floor. That was the least of their concerns at the moment. 

  


There’s a certain kind of obsession one must have to be able to devote countless hours...or days, more appropriately, to analyzing your own self declared worst enemy. Some call your dedication maniacal, but what'd they know? They don’t understand you at all. They don’t understand your feelings towards that red scaly shit. You’re not quite sure if you understand your own feelings anymore, it was just pure exhaustion and rage pushing you closer and closer to your breaking point. One thing was absolute, however; the longer you watched the sleazy scarlet slut go about their business, the more you could feel your anger building. 

  


“I’ll kill them. I’ll cut through them like paper if it’s the last thing I do.” They whispered out thickly, a low, maniacal laugh beginning to form and spill out as trembling hands reached to grab the sonic embroiderers. With ease, they opened a time rift and traveled through, one goal in mind.  
Pitaya was sitting slouched on their throne, minding their business when they suddenly got a feeling that made them sit up perfectly straight. Only moments later did a time rift open up, spitting out a rather angry looking cookie along with it. They didn’t have time to even ask what was going on, as the yellow menace was already upon them, stupid looking golden scissors aimed right at their face.  
“I’ve come to beat the shit out of you, Pitaya.” They hissed out, a twisted smile starting to form.  
  
“Who the hell _are_ you, you sssteampunk ssslut? Get off of me!” They hissed right back, sending the smaller cookie flying. 

  


Timekeeper quickly found their footing and glared at the dragon from across the room. The way that beady-eyed bitch looked at them only sent them deeper into a rage.  
“Don’t pretend you don’t know who I am. I know you’re privy to the TBD. Surely you’ve had your fair share of run ins with them?” TK mused, brushing off the sonic embroiderers.  
  
“And what if I were? That doessssn’t mean anything to me. Are you trying to sssay you’re affiliated with them?” Pitaya growled, eyeing them up and down to prepare for their next movement.  
TK chuckled to theirself for a good minute before wiping a mock tear from their exposed eye.  
“Ohoho, that’s rich. I forgot how truly stupid dragons could be sometimes, my apologies. Let me put it in a way your tiny reptilian brain can understand; Cookie of the Year ring a bell to you? Mmm?” They spat out smugly. The look on Pitaya’s face was instant gratification, oh if looks could kill. 

  


“You chronokinetic cunt. It ssssaysss a lot about you if you’re willing to manipulate the timeline to win an award you never dessserved in the firssst place.” They hissed, anger within them starting to bounce around restlessly. This was good, no, perfect. If TK could just strike the right nerve, they’d be able to fuck up this overconfident beast. CotY was clearly a sore topic, best to prod there until they couldn’t take it anymore.  
“Aww, someone salty they didn’t win two years in a row? Face it, you’re washed up. Nobody would _eeeeeverrrr_ pick the same tired, one trick pony again when they can have something far better. I’d almost feel a shred of sympathy for you if you even came _close_ to being competition, no, even a threat to me.” They finished, looking up at the dragon. There it was, unbridled hatred. Their eyes narrowed as they grabbed their sword. TK tightened their grip on their scissors, excitement in them boiling over. This’d be fun.  
“Enough talking. I’m going to make you wissssh you were never born, bitch.”

  


TK opened their mouth to make another snide remark, but Pitaya was absolutely not having it. They barely had enough time to blink out of the way of their sword. That’d be really embarrassing, to die so easily after making such a scene. They rushed towards Pitaya at full speed, before sliding underneath them, hoping to trip them or at least throw them off balance. Pitaya turned around and grabbed them by the leg before slamming them headfirst into the ground. Holy SHIT, that hurt. TK felt their vision blur. Who knew you could see 5 different Pitaya’s without messing with timelines?  
“Awww, all that talk and you can’t even fight back properly? I thought you’d be able to entertain me for more than...a minute? Pitiable.”  
Fuck, fuck. Where were those stupid scissors when you needed them? TK used one of their free hands to pat the ground around them until they made contact with the familiar warm metal. Head still spinning, they pointed the scissors directly at them.  
“One....one m-more move a-and I’ll..mmm..” they slurred, pain starting to spread throughout the rest of their body. A burning sensation was building up in their chest and making it hard to breathe.  
“What’sss the matter? Cat got your tongue?” They hissed wickedly, a sick, toothy grin accompanying their features. “Ssssure is hard to threaten me when you’re being choked out, no?” They cackled, tightening their grip.  
TK squirmed and gasped for breath, clawing at their arms desperately. Holy fuck, it hurt. Nothing had ever hurt this bad before. Everything in their body cried for air. They mustered what little strength they had and spit right in the dragons eyes. Pitaya’s grip loosened just long enough to let them slip out and grab their scissors, frantically gasping for breath. TK might’ve been in over their head. Oh, their head. There was definitely some kind of damage up there, they could feel strawberry jam running down in the back, hitting the floor in rhythmic drops. God, if this dragon didn’t take them out first, that sure as hell would. 

  


“Fuck you, Pitaya Dragon Cookie..” they weakly hissed out. TK was going to murder this bitch even if it killed them.  
“Sssstill got the energy to fight huh? I hope you don’t dissssappoint me again, upupupu.” They smirked, holding their sword.  
TK trembled. “A f-fair fight this time. Weapons only.” Pitaya cackled. “Ah, sssso be it. I’ll give you the firssst hit, weakling. Ready when you are.”

**Author's Note:**

> and then they were roommates /j


End file.
